This weekend I was visiting my family. In an interesting conversation one of my brothers asked if I ever had ‘any plans to settle down’. Being that this was told to me during the middle of a pandemic ”shelter in place” period, I couldn’t help but think how much more ‘settled down’ I could get! But knowing my brother, he was specifically referring to whether I would ever find a romantic partner/wife. I remember telling him that I felt fairly settled down right now in my life. However, this is not completely true. Because I just started a new job and made a major geographical move I certainly don’t feel as settled down as I might have felt at other times so I realized this question needed further reflection.

It is true that I have struggled with the question of a romantic partner for some time. I think it is time to reflect on this aspect of my life. Not that I expect to get any resolution but merely as a way to focus on where I am in this area of my life.

I realize that if you had told me that I would arrive at my age (58) and not be married and have kids when I was in high school I would have said that this was virtually impossible. I was not only very romantic (still am!) but I was very deeply concerned about being ‘popular’ with women. I know that there were many things in my past that I was not conscious of back then. These things I now know are both obstacles for finding a partner and also served as a ’cause’ for some overly focused concern on these issues. I believe that these “Hauntings” (To borrow a phrase from noted Jungian Analyst James Hollis!) are still a part of my life today. I am not in a place of complete ‘healing’ but certainly I am in a much better place in a variety of areas. I find that some necessary healing was a prerequisite for me to be prepared to enter into a loving relationship, this may not be true for all people, however it was certainly true for me. It think before this level of healing my finding a partner would have been a case of settling. I am certain that at another point in my life, finding a partner would have been a case of finding someone to help me settle old “bets” (don’t we all do this at some level?!). Now, and only now, do I see the possibility of settling down as a true step towards authenticity, and individuation.

Finally, I wish to speak to something that I can not fully express with words. I have a very vivid memory. In fact it is the first ‘memory’ that I am conscious of ‘remembering’. I will give the memory as I recall it. I make no claim to its ‘historical accuracy’. My memory is as follows; I was sleeping on the dirt floor of our house in El Paso. I remember very vividly the pungent smell of the wet earth. I remember having a ‘dream’ which was essentially my entire life lived from beginning to end. I don’t remember all of the dream but I have since had many, many experiences of deja vu. These experiences are not merely ‘moments’ but entire episodes of my life. This includes recalling various episodes in my later years that I first ‘envisioned’ in this dream. I don’t expect people to believe this I am only sharing what I recall. This vision/dream that occurred in El Paso so many years ago has given me the experience of living my life from my destiny backward. I have been very blessed to feel as though my path has been profoundly guided by forces much larger than myself. I don’t always recall this ‘faith’ during my periods of despair but it is nonetheless a guiding ‘haunting’ throughout all moments and areas of my life. I try to think of this in the area of finding a partner. I realized that for me settling down, has to be part of a larger calling. This calling (Vocation) has always been about, not only about following my ‘dream’, but also about living a larger Dream given to me.